Sorry it’s been so long; I’ve been busy traveling for work. I like traveling and observing all the strange places and customs of people that are only states away. Sometimes crossing a state line is like crossing into another dimension. There is no place quite like Mormonland. I went back home to Louisiana for work during crawfish season. That was cool. There’s no place quite like Louisiana either. My last adventure led me to Odessa, Texas via Roswell, New Mexico. Yet another mysterious little town that would look like any other desert/oil field town if it wasn’t completely decorated like a UFO themed playground. Even the McDonalds is shaped and designed like a UFO with little alien statues outside waving and welcoming. My favorite is the big Dunkin Donuts alien.
But being on the road has its downside. Mostly it's the unsavory and inevitable close encounters of other humans. Yep, and their unruly off leash children. It seems like the Mormons decided it was time for spring and the snow stopped and sun shined. No shit. That fast, like they flipped a switch. I wish I could be excited for the beautiful weather. Because, this means motorcycle rides, hikes, activities involving water, and camping. However, I am not ignorant of the excess of children and teenagers that will be taking up so much space and time everywhere. Rest areas, every single truck stop bathroom will have lines, national parks and any nice public space will be flooded with these goddamn things. It's just not worth it. I know that everywhere has the “spring break” and “summer break” that lets these wild beasts loose in their towns, but Mormonland is populated and governed by a cult that’s whole thing is to have 100 kids and populate planets. So, imagine your town’s child problem and multiply it by 50. THAT’S Mormonland summer. So, I was able to get a taste of my disdain for humans in Roswell at the very beginning of spring break. By the way, a continental breakfast is supposed to be an amenity. According to Merriam-Webster an “amenity” is “something that helps to provide comfort, convenience, or enjoyment.” Something that helps provide COMFORT,CONVENIENCE, or ENJOYMENT! It's not supposed to be the most dreaded and stressful part of your goddamn day, fighting for your life and tripping over other people's living and breathing bad decisions. FUCK!
Nothing displays the bottom feeder ratchet ass nature of humanity quite like the continental breakfast. It’s the most disturbing side of American society. When people first wake up they are stripped down to their most disgusting and desperate selves. I mean, these people LOOK like bad breath. Their children are all off leash, sniveling demeanors, not polite yet. Like hungry dogs swarming a bowl of food, except the hyper aggression is replaced with smug cold looks and passive-aggression. Like the chow line in prison without the supervision and order. I hate it. I’d rather listen to Shinedown or Nickelback on repeat with a fistful of cacti up my ass. I never hated people as much as I do at continental breakfasts. These are the slugs that inhabit the bodies of humans. Nobody wants to see that. Once again, I can’t help but wonder if this is how the Mormons see us common folk. Or have I been living in Mormonland so long that I’m turning against my own?
When I first came to Mormonland, I was on the west side in Glendale. I heard whispers of the bougee “east side.” I never paid much attention to the east side, west side set trips but when I moved to the east side it didn’t take me long for the snob in me to start poking its nose through. Like when I’d see minorities, immigrants, or even tattooed/rocker type people (I’m a tattooed/rocker type person), I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I’d think shit like “you fukin lost?” Or “shit you on the wrooooong side mofukka.” This sounds so racist and bigoted, but it’s not me it’s the east side atmosphere. It’s not race, but socioeconomic status. I don’t know what’s worse. They probably have more money than me, but that doesn’t stop the east side snob from creeping into me. I know that this is how the Mormons look at me. I know that. I resent it. I refused it. But now I fucking get it.
These Mormons seem to have special powers. How the hell else can you explain how a poor old New Orleans native, from the armpit of the South started to subconsciously become a bougee White asshole. Let’s look at Roswell. Now we’ve gone over the Mormon/alien theories, but now I must present another one. Let’s say you’re an advanced alien race with shapeshifter abilities and telepathy. Would you want the unwitting to know your true form? And we can also look at the song “Stewart” by the Dead Milkmen. Could they be in the know, but a bit misguided. Could these thoughts and ideas be implanted? Did the writer of that song get telepathized? Maybe they lived in a neighborhood of Mormons with no filter or defense. I don’t think it’s the queers that are in it with the aliens. I think it’s the Mormons. They’re building landing strips for Mormon Martians. Just look at the soil around Roswell Stewart. You can’t build on it, you can’t grow anything in it. Exactly.
You can call it mind control or just telepathic suggestions. I shouldn't need therapy to stop me from becoming a snob. My next-door neighbor is a retired bishop of the LDS church and I’m trying to move back to Glendale. At least the Mormons there all speak Spanish, and I don’t, so I can handle some subliminal thoughts in Español. I think they crashed in Roswell on their way to Salt Lake City, but the government would rather us believe in UFOs than the truth of the Mormon invasion. They might be time travelers visiting us from the planets they receive in the afterlife. I'm starting to think that this is one of their planets. Either that or they’re trying to make it theirs. Who knows what’s real anymore. Just skip the continental breakfast altogether and don’t travel beyond the reach of Waffle House. Eat your breakfast at Waffle House and just drive around Mormonland. There's nothing but questions, extraterrestrial Mormons, and an infestation of their young here in Mormonland. You have been warned.
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