John Wicked in Mormonland

For a religious community so strict with rules and loopholes, the people of Mormonland don’t give one single fuck about traffic laws. It’s anarchy on I-15. Be very careful on your pilgrimage to Mormonland, even if you’re just passing through. Passing through was my first impression of Mormonland and I didn’t know the half of it yet. Don’t get me wrong, New Orleans has its fair share of shit drivers. We have Mardi Gras and shit, lots of drunks. However, the potholes probably save some lives slowing those assholes down. Everywhere has road rage, but one wouldn't expect such hatred and aggression from a supposedly peaceful religious cult dominated city. But drive in this shit and you will have rage issues as well. My senses are always heightened and I'm anxious when I'm behind the wheel in the city limits. It's terrifying. And it's not just the young people and angry construction workers.  

I made the mistake of taking my motorcycle for a ride on I-15 shortly after I moved here. I was merging out of the express lane and a car that was three lanes over and about a half a mile back came flying at me merging across the whole three lanes. It honestly looked like it was an attempted murder. There was no other logical reason for a car to be doing such a violent maneuver towards me. My life flashed before my very eyes, and I knew it was all over. My past had caught up with me and someone had put a hit out on me. I was being John Wicked. I managed to swerve out of the way of certain death by the skin of my nuts and caught a glimpse of the killer. It was an old man with a tie on and glasses. Maybe 65 – 70 years old. He was looking straight ahead as if he was the only person on the road. It may sound prejudice and presumptuous to assume he was a Mormon, but I determined this by deductive reasoning. A) We are in Mormonland. B) The man was wearing a tie but looked too old to be going to work. C) I appeared invisible to him (I am a non-Mormon). D) We are in Mormonland. That's just everyday traffic here. And they wonder why there's such staggering amounts of road rage. These people drive like assholes and do not care.

One time, I was trying to go with the flow of traffic so I wouldn’t get rearended and I was doing 85 in a 70. I saw a cop on the highway like he was clocking people, yet cars were zooming past me. What the fuck was he looking for? I have my suspicions about all of this. 

Ok, so the stark-raving-white news has been reporting on the growing number of road rage incidents in the Great Salt Lake area. I mean, somebody got shot in Sandy y'all. SANDY! But it’s happening all the time.  They say the number of road rage deaths have doubled since 2019. And that’s just the deaths. I’m probably swerved on, honked at, and flipped off at least once a week. Thats antagonistic. That’ll get you shot where I come from. That’s probably why we have “southern hospitality.” But that will get you shot here too. Ask that dude in Sandy. I even heard that they call large SUV's "Suburban Assult Vehicles" and "Mormon Mafia Vans" due to the notoriously aggressive reputations of the Mormonland soccer moms. Anyway, Utah lawmakers are adjusting stricter “road rage” laws now. Why not, they’ve already banned Pornhub, and they are trying to ban flavored vapes. 

Now the flavored vape thing is said to be because the market targets the youth with its fruity delicious flavors and high tech and cartoon looking devices. I can, however, attest to this. I recently picked up vaping again and it is quite shameful for me. I had stopped for about a year smoking only my cigars. But it got cold outside and i found an old vape in my office and made it a habit again. I hate the leaking, and all so decided to try the new disposable vapes while i was travelling. Of course I'll try the White Gummy Bear flavor. The device looks all anime colors and bubbly like a child’s toy. And it tastes like a fucking white gummy bear. This must be all the rage for the young'uns. I mean, White Gummy Bear flavor in a bubbly and colorful contraption that lights up and shit. It’s like Tode Pods, one look and fuck yeah, I’m going to put this in my mouth. I can't imagine what kind of douchebag I look like sucking on that goddamn thing. It’s so shameful I only do it behind closed doors. It's like I traded in my dignity and my man card for this particular relapse. But sometimes I can't help it. And people see me. Then all I can think about is how I look to these people. A big bearded 46-year-old grown ass man that probably eats gummy bears with his butthole. Fucking gross dude. I hope that law passes because I don’t like tobacco flavors. So, what about Mormonland road rage?  

Now, the Great Salt Lake is rich with scientific and geological explanations about how it got there. Its supposedly the remnants of another lake but that could be misinformation from the Mormon controlled media leading us away from the truth. It's probably got something to do with these salty ass Mormons that can’t fucking drive. Or can they? Like I said, I was nearly John Wicked on I-15 on my motorcycle, people drive like there’s no one else on the road, and these motherfuckers drive like they can't fucking die. Maybe they can’t. Can the Great Salt Lake be some sort of energy source for them? Is the violent traffic and road rage laws a conspiracy? If Mormons can’t die that would explain all the reckless driving, because us regular folk CAN die. They're killing us off and regenerating in the salt flats. The road rage laws work in their favor as well. They provoke the already stressed and frightened drivers of this place to act out and they either die or get locked up. Make them wish they had never come here. Hey, the CIA did it to South Central L.A. with crack. I think they're thinning the herdof infidels before they strike, weakening us as a people. There's too many of us now. Who knows what will happen in the coming years. Winter even avoided Mormonland this year. Now they’re controlling the weather? One can only wonder. I do love this place; I just fear what I do not understand. There are killers here. Old ones who don’t care; Kamikazes. Taking aim at random vehicles on I-15. I heard a comedian say that half the cars on I-15 drive like they are qualifying for Nascar and the other half are looking for a place to park. Funny joke, but I have yet to see one trying to park my friends. These cars are giant missiles flying down the roads. Training vessels to get them ready for the golden tablet ship invasion. Maybe I –15 is the training field. But for us to stay alive, you must stay sharp and vigilant. Otherwise, like many before us, you just might get John Wicked in Mormonland.