Look both ways in Mormonland

First of all, I’m not bashing Mormonland or the Mormons. Ok, maybe the Mormons a little bit. I’m mostly intrigued. But I just cannot understand. Like what the fuck yall?! I’m from Louisiana which is very Bible Belt. New Orleans is religious and superstitious, but very loose in its “sin” practices. We have Voodoo and Bourbon Street there. People don’t really give a fuck about other people’s beliefs or behavior. But go anywhere outside of New Orleans in Louisiana and its Gods Country. Catholic, Baptist, and Pentecostal. The Pentecostals were terrifying to me as a kid. My aunt was United Pentecostal. Those are the strictest of the Pentecostals. They can’t cut their hair, wear makeup, can’t wear pants, fire and brimstone. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had rattlesnake-handling parties. They did the talking in tongues thing. It was scary. Imagine being a five-year-old watching old ladies running up and down the aisle crying, whooping and hollering speaking in weird ancient languages and gibberish. Terrifying. Then the no-nonsense pastor that looked like a funeral director from a horror movie said they are possessed with the “Holy Ghost.” They were possessed alright. They kind of dressed like the polygamists in southern Utah. But not even the strictest of the holy rollers (the Pentecostals) birthed litters of children like cats and rabbits.  

Now, I’m speaking from the outside. I am not educated about the Mormon beliefs or their ways. I’m just speaking about what I see and hear. Which is not complete ignorance because if you live in Salt Lake City, EVERYONE has a Mormon story. They either grew up Mormon or have Mormon family. Never much farther than one or two degrees away from polygamy here. Down south you’re not much farther than that from a Ku Klux Klan history, so who am I to judge? I visited the LDS museum. By the way, the Mormons settled on a new, hipper name for their cult called LDS, short for Latter Day Saints. The story of Joseph Smith was unbelievable. Not like oh this is amazing it’s unbelievable, but like I can’t believe rational people believe this shit. What I’m getting at is the obvious custom of having shitloads of children.  

I’m not the biggest fan of children in public. Some might say I don’t like children, but I just don’t like to see them in real life. See, kids and dogs know no boundaries when it comes to personal space and being in the way. I don’t like THAT! If you are the same way, don’t move to Mormonland. I’ve heard pieces of the Mormon beliefs in that claim if they are extra good Mormons, they get their own planet that they themselves can populate and basically be their own god of their planet. Yeah, I still can’t figure out how the “Jesus Christ” part fits into “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints” either. But that’s what I heard. I could be wrong. My biggest point of disbelief comes with what type of human would want a bunch of kids in their personal space while they are alive? Much less, a whole fucking PLANET of kids and wives for eternity? Yeah, no thank you. That sounds like Hell to me. So, consider yourselves warned. Look both ways before driving through crosswalks in Mormonland. You are very likely to see a young LDS couple or mother pushing a stroller with a string of blonde-haired children looking like a Hitler Youth brigade of ducks marching in an unruly line from shorter to taller, bouncing around like drunk people. And you can bet your ass that Joseph Smith didn’t tell them to put leashes on those fucking things.