I asked the internet what the wealthiest religion in the world was and it was the LDS church at an estimated 200 billion. The closest second were the Hindus with an estimated 35 billion. Now the worth of the Vatican was unavailable due to “widespread properties globally” so I think it’s safe to assume the Vatican got it on lock. But the fact that the Mormons are sitting on top that far from the next richest is fucking nuts. Who the fuck are these people? I didn’t even hear about Mormons till I was a teenager, but everyone knows who the Pope is. How can the Mormons be ballin’ so hard? And still, where does the “Jesus Christ” part fit into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints? Didn’t Jesus just get mad that one time? He got mad at the money collectors in the church and threw them out? What do you think he’d say about the Mormons? I think they exiled any ideas that Jesus had before they supposedly exiled the polygamist. They some exile-type motherfuckers, very exclusive. People call it a cult, but The LDS church is a thriving business. And a cult. Possibly alien involved too, but I’ve already presented those theories. They do their weird deeds in hopes of ruling their own planets. But from the look of the financials, they might be purchasing this one. They damn sure can afford it. And you can bet your ass they own Mormonland.
When they decided that it was time to go along with the federal laws against polygamy, many of the Mormon folk refused. Like when the feds wanted to free the slaves down south. Their way of life and ownership of other humans were too important for them to give up. The South went to war, but the Mormons just branched off and started moving south of Salt Lake City. They call themselves the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints). These are the Warren Jeffs people. Many who still believe that Jeffs is “the Prophet” and raping young children is the way of the Heavenly Father. You know those old western movies where the outlaws roll into town, and everyone is looking and staring and shutting their windows? Or when some Black folks or hippies walk into a cowboy bar and the record scratches, and everyone stares. That’s the vibe in Mormonland.
A friend, also heavily tattooed, moved here from Alabama and the first thing I told him was “There’s a whole lotta White people here…. And we ain’t them.” A few weeks later he came to report that he now knew what I meant. He was on the elevator at the City Creek Mall which is smack in the middle of Mormonland headquarters about a block from Brigham Young. Whilst he was in the elevator, it stopped on a floor and the door opened. A man was standing there with a small child. When he saw my friend, he said politely, it’s ok we can catch the next one. What the fuck kind of shit is that. Like he was gonna get cooties or something. I mean, how fucking racist! When my friend said “he was very polite about it” I knew it was Mormandom. They will shun you for the color of your skin here. Any color. See this is what happens when you let the Whites run wild. You end up with Mormonland.
Tattoos may be different than racism because it’s a choice to add color to your skin, but it’s still the same you’re not good enough, we-are-superior-to-you bullshit. Fuck them. I get it though. It’s kind of how I feel about them and all those fucking children. Ewww. Tattoos get you kicked out of the club in Mormonland. Therefore, I dwell among the exiled and the apostates. Also shout out to Beehive Cigars. “Apostate” is a great cigar. But I think we were talking about tattoos. And since we’re talking about tattoos and Utah, I must note that Post Malone does live in Mormonland. Don’t ask me why. Tattoos on your face used to be scary prison gang, gangster, killer shit then Post Malone shows up looking like the wall above the truck stop urinal grinning all sweet and calm. I’m no fan of Post Malone music, but he does seem like the sweetest little happy fella. I wonder what the Mormons think of him. They did allow him to design a big obnoxious pink Raising Caines chicken place in the area with his face and scribbles scribbled on it. Raising Caines ain’t Mormon, they come from Louisiana. They say that to reach the level of fame that Mr. Malone has, you have to sell your soul. I thought that was an exclusive deal to the Illuminati devil thing. Maybe the Mormons are in on too. Who knows?
However, the truck stop urinal graffiti is much more disturbing than whatever that poor sweet kid has scribbled on his face. Yet another weird subculture with weird kink sexual practices that we may never know about. Like dates and times for flashing lights in the parking lot for a random “fuck”. Phone numbers and dick sizes. It’s a real thing. I think the gay sex thing in trucker culture has something to do with the term ”good buddy.” And it even exists in Mormonland. The strange things I’ve seen on the road make me look at truckers like the Mormons look at us. Yet I try not to. But really, you can’t unsee a wall with a number for “butt fuck or dick suck bbc 13 inches” with a response of another number that says “tight white boy asshole and big mouth” with another phone number in response to the first. Now, I am not condemning homosexuality by any means but the picture this paints seems very violent and unsanitary, painful even. Definitely in no way conducive to the spirit. Terrifying. Almost as terrifying as the Mormonland drivers.
White people be running wild out here. It’s us or them, but pick your “them.” How far can one be pushed away from Mormonland? A land of apostasy and exile. The rebellion is so thick that it yangs the yin of purity so much that it defies all remnants of decency or normalcy. There’s no such thing as normal to me anymore. What does my future hold? Will I fold beneath the pressure and become a believer? Does the snowmelt water supply provide enlightenment or mind control? Are there convert cocoons that can wash away my tattoos and reason if I surrender? Will I want my own planet one day? Can I someday design a fast-food restaurant in my likeness, or am I doomed to a life among the exiles? Will my resistance throw me deeper into the sins of Mormonland? Am I fated to a life of flashing lights in truck stop parking lots for sex, lot lizards, and good buddies? For every answer I find there are only more questions. Who knew you could live in exile without ever leaving Mormonland.
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