I think it's safe to say I'm pretty plugged into the Mormonland underground. I found my people and just stuck around. It was a beautiful thing, even though it involved bribery, and some protocol may have been violated to get it all started. I'm referring to my induction onto the Aces High Staff. Remind me to tell ya'll the story someday. But what I'm trying to say is that I'm probably about as much into the punk and metal scene as anyone now. I am the security coordinator (a fancy term for bouncer) at Aces High Saloon. For the record, Jake from Visigoth called me that one day after he referred to me as "one of the door guys" in front of my face. He must have noticed my heartbreak at that moment and created the fancy title I now proudly claim. I also do an internet radio show and get to interview everyone. So, I know a lot of people. None of this really has anything to do with what I am talking about today, though. This is just a bit of a back story to illustrate my connection to the Mormon culture through my tight relationships with its subculture. I get to ask questions about the Mormons, and they know the answers. Like I said before, in Mormonland, you are never more than 2 degrees away from polygamy. And the polygamists are not the only weird ones. It has come to my attention that the Mormons are especially keen on loopholes. At least, that's what I've gathered from what I've heard. It might not all be facts. Shit, I just found out that Marilyn Manson never had that rib removed to suck on himself, but the whole Richard Gere gerbil fiasco has not been confirmed or denied. I heard those Holyweird people do weird devil sex stuff all the time with those lizard people and all. Who the fuck knows? Maybe the earth is flat. No fucking clue. But right now, I'm talking about "dirty" sodas and "soaking."
When I first came to Mormonland, I noticed these little drive-through places that were almost like coffee shops but a little more fancy and commercial-looking. I think one is called "Swig." I asked what these strange businesses were and was told they were drive-through soda shops. No food. Just various forms and mixes of soda. The entire concept seemed so far from me that I couldn't comprehend it yet. Now I understand how people feel when they first visit Louisiana and see the drive-thru daiquiri places. Most places I've gone outside of Louisiana don't even know what a daiquiri is. And nobody else in the world seems to think that drive-through alcoholic beverages are a good idea. But that's just something that's always been. I was shocked to see that they weren't a thing all over the US when I left. Daiquiris are fucking delicious. I have yet to see a daiquiri shop past Mississippi but leave it to Mormonland to have a Disney version.
"Dirty soda" is what they call a soda mixed with other flavors and syrups and coffee creamer-type shit. I know, weird, right? They are such a craze that they have chain businesses dedicated to them. I remember putting a little of each fountain drink in the cup as a kid. We called them "suicides." But we never went as far as dipping into the fucking snow-ball and coffee condiments. Mormons can't drink coffee, but they'll sure as hell take all the drugs that go in it. The caffeine and sugar are cool, but not the natural beans. And by no means shall the children of Big Joe Smith ever warm their caffeine. Never. That would be a sin. See, this is how they exploit those Mormonland loopholes. Caffeine and sugar are acceptable as long as they're not hot. So, I heard Big Joe banned hot beverages like coffee and tea from their gatherings because they cost too much or took too much time, and that somehow turned into hot caffeine being sinful and forbidden. Therefore, Modern Mormons overindulge with weird soda concoctions. Those kids are quite the little consumers of almost sin. And the Mormon-owned businesses pimp the shit out of it. What they don't capitalize on is the alleged weird, almost sinful sexual practices of the Mormon youth. They have to know about it. I mean, if I know about it, they have to know. Maybe they give sermons on it from time to time.
Now, I never intended to be sexually inappropriate on the Mormonland Underground blog. I don't plan to be in the future. I'm not intending to be now. I'm merely reporting the data I've gathered thus far in my investigations about the customs of the Mormonland people. It would be reckless of me to carry on without warning the common folk about an alleged teenage trend called "soaking." Not to be confused with the bootyhole loophole that is pretty self-explanatory. As I've said many times, I'm not saying that any of this is true. It could all just be suburban legend. However, even the fact that rumors such as these have been created is notable to the weirdness of Mormondom. I've heard this from a few sources, but it trickled down from the pipeline through my girlfriend's twin boys, who were High school kids. They reported that teenage Mormons are forbidden to have sex, and they somehow worked it out that mere penetration is not technically sex, but the motion is. So, if the dedicated Mormon teen couple decides to get intimate without disappointing Mr. Smith and facing Maroni's wrath, they enlist a third party's help.
The male subject will insert himself into the female and lay there still without moving, obeying the laws of the "sex is motion" theory. Their entrusted assistant will then kick the bed (aka the Provo push) creating motion for the sexual stimulation. This will supposedly cover their asses in the eyes of judgement because they are not technically having sex. I'm not making this shit up. Who the fuck would you get to kick the bed for you? Would you kick the bed for your homie? Will "bed-kicker" become some new slang for pervert or virgin? Maybe it'll refer to a really good friend. Like, "Yeah, that's my fucking bed-kicker right there." The possibilities of the cultural impact are nearly endless. I have questions. Is the bed-kicker safe from judgment? Do holy undergarments move to the side that easily? Does the bed-kicker get a turn soaking? We common folk may never know. They like to keep their customs quiet. It goes down in Mormonland, and now you know. If the kids come home talking about "soaking", they ain't talking about no dirty sodas. They just might be laying there hopped up on caffeine and sugar balls deep in another one of Mormonland's loopholes with some creepy little Bed-kicker kicking the fucking bed.
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