Sometimes I like going to another state just to have access to Pornhub. It's the little things, you know, crawfish, shrimp po'boys, Pornhub. Don't let the church find out, but you can still access Xvids in Utah. But Xvids is like the "Great Value" brand porn site. I think Montana does this, too, but Montana is its own type of weird and not necessarily Mormon-free. Being from New Orleans, people are always excited when you tell them where you're from. Telling people in New Orleans you live in Salt Lake City, people are like, wow, what the fuck, why? People from Mormonland say the same thing. "Why the fuck did you move here?" A close Cajun family friend got worried about me, genuinely concerned when I was moving away from Louisiana. "What are y'all gonna eat out there?" Like I was moving to a place where food doesn't exist. She sent boxes of food, and I do receive king cakes in the mail during Mardi Gras from friends back home who feel sorry for me. I mean, Mormonland has food but nothing to write home about. The Subway and Taco Bell are fine, but the Popeyes could definitely use more culture. Speaking of culture, where is Mormonland's statue people?
Remember when they had all those protests to remove historical statues all over the South, including New Orleans? It was chaos. People were pissed. An uprising resulted in the removal of a bunch of landmark statues, and the names of some streets and even schools were changed. To creepy shit too. In Lee Circle, the statue of General Robert E. Lee was removed and replaced with some weird snake thing. I guess it is what it is. Those were significant historical monuments that I remember visiting on field trips as a kid and passing by all my life, but the new wave of thinkers didn't like it and started some shit. They said it represented slavery and that General Lee led the Confederate army in war against the federal government. I get it. I don't think that taking down monuments will rewrite history, but I get it. People said they no longer supported what this man stood for, shit hit the fan, and it got resolved. What I want to know is where are the statue people in Mormonland? Because the more I learn about Brigham Young the more I worry about Mormonland's dominant faith and its people. Because now I live among them.
Don't get me wrong, if Brigham Young led the Mormons peacefully into the promised land and lived in harmony with all, I would be like, ok, that's sweet of them. Maybe if he was some noble, religious man bound by morals and honor that founded the great state of Utah, but that's not the case. I'm not trying to get political or anything, but this dude was a savage, a pervert, and a racist according to the internet. I can't think of any Confederates that had somewhere between fifty and eighty wives (some as young as fifteen years old, maybe younger), with an estimated 1,000 direct descendants by the time of their death. Brigham Young led wars against the federal government also (Utah War) and is believed to have played a role in the Mountain Meadows Massacre in 1857.
Furthermore, Young banned people of African descent from the priesthood and the temples, stating that they were the descendants of Cain. That is exactly what the Ku Klux Klan believes. That's fucking racist. I am not threatened by a religious doctrine that's so insecure about its own beliefs that it almost lost its footing over a fake salamander letter joke document. But I am concerned with what people agree on as acceptable. And there is a university named after Brigham Young and a big obnoxious statue downtown in Mormonland with this dude blatantly giving a straight arm salute. I shit you not. It was erected in honor of pioneer-colonizer, Utah governor, and LDS Church president Brigham Young, "Father of Polygamy," who led the Mormon pioneers into the Utah Territory in 1847. Where the fuck are Utah's statue people?
People out this way clown on the South for being backwoods and Bible Belt, and that may be true, but they took down their racist war monger statues, and those ones didn't even diddle children. What I'm saying is, what the fuck does a historical figure have to do to be removed from Mormonland. Other than being a descendant of Caine, of course. And what do you think they're hoarding in those vaults over there? They're not very far from my house. They were carved into the mountain. They say it's for storing records. But they also say that you get your own planet when you die if you're a good Mormon. They've also claimed to have renounced polygamy and racial exclusion but keep that damn statue of Brigham Young up by their temple. Oh, and it's not Joseph Smith University; it's "BYU" Brigham Young University. Joseph Smith didn't hate black folks. Just sayin'. So, what's true, what's folklore, and what's propaganda?
Sometimes, it seems like a cult. Sometimes, it looks like a weird social experiment. And sometimes, that alien theory sounds the most logical. There's a lot of secrecy and vault hoarding. Mormons are also supposed to keep at least a year's supply of food at all times. I wouldn't doubt it if it's stored in suburban bunkers connected by tunnels underground. Why do you need a year's supply of food in the holy land? Down south, that's just paranoid Uncle Jeb and Billy Bobby getting ready for the gubment to try and take their guns. But it's kinda happened down there before so I don't blame em'. Plus, there are hurricanes. But these Mormonland people must know something the rest of us don't. We can't really join their secret society. Hell, the police can't even go into their vault. What are they hiding in there? It sure as hell ain't their racist leader statues. Those are still proudly on public displays in your face, acting as scarecrows to the infidels. Why spend millions of dollars to dig out a mountain to store "records?" I heard Joseph Smith misplaced the golden tablets. Or did he? Is that more misinformation to keep us goofy? Are the "golden tablets" some type of spaceships sitting and waiting for the Mormonland apocalypse? Maybe an alien invasion? Perhaps the Mormons that aren't allowed into the temple get to change into lizard people once they get their "temple card." Maybe it's a cult that worships the aliens? Maybe Brigham Young was an alien who conspired to off Joseph Smith and began a new hybrid race with some of his wives and daughters. I mean, more than 1000 direct descendants is a little excessive. There had to be some sort of endgame. I can't even have that much sex, and I'm a dirty old nasty ass mofo. It would take more than one dick for all those wives and kids, is all I'm saying. Sounds alien to me. Maybe the Mormon folklore is true, and Brigham Young was an exceptional Mormon; we are all his children, and Earth is HIS planet. Perhaps all of this could be cleared up with just a handful of statue people.
How could everyone just overlook such hateful, violent, and weird shit like that ? Where's the angry, protesting college kids? Is BYU really a superhuman Brigham Youth training center like the X-Men? I'm starting to think there are no statue people because they're all alien descendants of Brigham Young. They're planning their attack on the regular folk flying out from the mountain vaults on their magical golden tablet jets. At the same time, their followers, offspring, and bed kickers hide in their bunkers with their dirty sodas and a year's supply of food soaking each other, just waiting for the Earth to become one of their planets. They'll bust Warren Jeffers out of prison and take all the women and children as their wives, yelling, "Viva la keep sweet la revolution!" I've seen LDS churches as far as Oregon, and they've pretty much got Montana and Idaho. Try to pull up Pornhub in Montana and see what happens. Nothing. The end is near friends. Hear my words, stay vigilant. Look both ways in Mormonland. Find your people and get ready. And yell from rooftops from the west side to the east – Mormonland, we need some fuckin statue people fast.
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