The first time I came to SLC in the winter was surreal. It was quite the winter wonderland. I had only seen shit like that in movies and Christmas cards. Felt like I was in a snow globe. We didn’t have all that shit in New Orleans when I was growing up. It’s freezing fucking cold and pipe-busting humid, then summertime by lunch. And when it’s cold cold the shitty pothole ridden streets are iced over and you have to Tokyo drift wherever you go. Salt Lake City is dry. However, my first time driving in the winter wonderland I was sliding all over driving a rear wheel drive on steep hills and shit. I wouldn’t suggest it. Just sliding around the snow globe like an asshole. That shit makes everything look so beautiful. The snow that is. Even still, it’s crazy cool when the snow is covering everything. They say Salt Lake City has the “best snow” on earth. The ski people and snowboarders come from all over for it. They call it “powder.” That’s because it’s so goddamn dry.
When I first moved to SLC, I said I wanted to find a house to rent in the “hood.” Whatever the “hood” was in SLC. These extra-whites kind of freaked me out. I was pretty sure that the “hood” in SLC would be a whole lot different than the “hood” in New Orleans. It is. See, the hood in New Orleans, you’re about as likely to get robbed or shot by one of Lil’ Wayne’s relatives as you are getting drunk and scammed on Bourbon Street. The hood in SLC is just shitty houses. And you’ll do better if you speak Spanish. However, my time in Glendale was fine. I never felt like I was about to be attacked or robbed in SLC. Except on I-15 but that’s another story. I was talking about it being dry.
See, I ain’t never even thought about a dry climate. Where I’m from it’s so fucking humid. It’s miserable and the mosquitoes are the worst. I’ve been on some drugs that made me rather get eaten by an alligator that those fucking mosquitos. So, I had never dealt with dry. The snow, well, at least that’s pretty. The dry, what the fuck! My lips were chapped for the first 6 months of being in SLC. But worst was, I didn’t sweat. I didn’t know that was a thing. Is it a thing? I don’t know but it sure the fuck was a thing for me. I’ve been training MMA and MUAY THAI for many years. So, one of the first things I did was find a fight gym to train at. I found my fight home at Fight City. I was overweight, elevation is a thing, and I hadn’t trained regularly in about a year. And for the record, I am historically THE sweaty dude in the gym. I was about to die 30 seconds into the warmup, but I powered through. I was hot. I was gasping for air. The elevation had me in a chokehold. I should have been soaking wet with sweat, slipping around on the mat like I slipped around on the icy roads. Nothing. First time in Mormonland I couldn't get drunk, now I can't sweat. I mean Joseph Fucking Smith this place is crazy. I was bloated and heavy. Like, more than usual. For three months. Then out of nowhere, I was sweating like a pig. I guess my body adjusted. However, my snakes haven’t.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s an upside to the dry climate. First of all, it’s not the dreary muggy mosquito infested soaking wet heat in South Louisiana. I can wear shirts colored other than black in the summer because I don’t have that bad of under-boob sweat. It’s quite embarrassing. Man-boobs just soaking smile marks under them through your shirt. There’s nowhere to run or hide. I have a black shirt wardrobe, and it’s not because I'm “metal” or anything. Nope. It’s the unforgiving under-boob sweat. If you don’t know what I am talking about be grateful. Another good thing about the dry is that you can throw something soaking wet outside and it’ll be dry in like an hour. Plus, the “powder” snow if you’re into strapping yourself to big sticks and sliding down a big snowy mountain like a maniac. But if you’re anything like me and have impulse control issues, you may somehow end up with a bunch of pet snakes. They need humidity. But what they can’t live without is water. And even inside the house, their water bowls will dry up from the poor moisture deprived atmosphere taking everything it can to survive. It just evaporates. So, if you have to work out of town like I do make sure you have someone come water the reptiles. Because the air in Mormonland takes what it wants.
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