Waffle House in Mormonland

Twas the year 1955 in Avondale Estates, Georgia. Two neighbors were moved by the Lord and gifted the idea for the creation of the most wonderful chain restaurant to ever exist. WAFFLE HOUSE! Since then, the almighty breakfast kings have opened around 2,000 restaurants in only 25 states. And unfortunately, every single one of these states is EAST OF MORMONLAND! And south, because there are a few in Phoenix. Colorado is the closest one to the east and all of those are in the Denver area. New Mexico only has the one in Albuquerque. My question is, how the HECK is it that the most important cultural culinary experience in the United States is only available outside of the wild west and has not caught on in 69 years? Now I’m not gonna do what everyone thinks I’m gonna do and freak out about alien Mormon conspiracy theories. Ok maybe a little. For those of you that have been deprived of Waffle House your whole lives, my heart does go out to you. The first time I mentioned Waffle House in Mormonland the poor soul I was talking to said “what is Waffle House?” I was flabbergasted. Then more and more people as I learned and lived among them had no idea. This place really was culturally bankrupt. Tragic. 

One of the first things I think about when travelling for work is whether my job sites will be within the bounds of Waffle House.  Those yellow brick “Waffle House” letters spark an excitement and joy inside of me that I used to feel as a child. It’s what I imagine the glee of a child at Disney World feels when they get there. I can only imagine this feeling, because we were poor down south. There was no way I could ever go to Disney World, but we had Waffle House. I did, however, go to Disney World as an adult some years ago. It was a magical and emotional feeling, but there were swarms of children and lines everywhere... and they didn’t have grits. Waffle House is not famous for its waffles, despite the name. They are known mostly for being open 24 hours a day, fights, a place to go while intoxicated, and their famous hash browns. They are good hash browns too. You can get them smothered, covered, chunked, and capped. Good shit. But the main attraction to me is the grits. See, I have a general rule of thumb about ordering grits that I have learned the hard way travelling the country. Never order grits north of the Mason – Dixon, unless it's from Waffle House. Outside of the south, grits are not held in the highest regard. These non-southerners will send them to your table all runny and thin like some sandy soup. Disgusting. But I can attest as a true southerner and grit connoisseur that no matter where the Waffle House is the grits are the best. And did you know that Waffle House has its own music? 

For as long as I can remember there was always a jukebox in Waffle House with Waffle House Songs. The last Waffle House I visited, “I’m Going Back to the Waffle House” by Waffle House Records was playing and I settled into my seat like a big fat lump of love. I literally felt like the main character in a John Hughes film. There's a warm home feeling for me personally. However, I am aware that this isn’t the global consensus about Waffle House. My girlfriend said it’s “just another greasy spoon diner.” But she’s from Seattle so, bless her little heart. I think they eat poontang, or some shit out there. They share borders with Canada, Idaho, and Oregon... I know right!? You see, someone like that deprived of these childhood experiences will never know the amazing gifts the Waffle House has to offer. The omission of such an experience is destructive to not only the individual, but to this great nation. America boasts about its commitment to community and culture. Then where the fuck is Mormonland’s Waffle House? 

See Waffle House is the REAL idea of America; diversity, freedom, conflict, subpar service, usually kind of dirty, and your arm will probably get stuck to the table here and there. But you won't be turned away for what your beliefs are, color of your skin, you can be blind, crippled, crazy, democrat, republican, any kind of weird, they’ll even feed you at 3 am. When I was a kid, I remember a friend of mine’s dad used to take us Waffle House hopping on weekends with him late at night. He would get a coffee and smoke cigarettes (they used to allow smoking), then off to the next. As an adult I try to think of reasons why he would do this, but I assume he did not drink alcohol and that was how he would go out on the town. See, even in the 80’s this place provided a heathy alternative to bars. He might have been selling drugs, but even if – commerce. America. This venue provides a common ground place for everyone, not just the people that live “normal” day lives. There are plenty of day people at Waffle House as well. When I travel, I am at the nearest Waffle House first thing in the morning. And the blue-collar regulars are always there. Every city and town have a blue-collar morning crew that all see each other every day and people need that type of shit. Community. Mormonland definitely needs that. 

Let me be clear, if you don’t open a Waffle House in Mormonland you are racist! Sure, there are stories about Waffle House on WorldStar, it can get crazy. I hate to be the one to tell you this Mormonland, but that’s part of who we are. All the parts. We need random chaos. We need more people of color; we need bad service and soggy waffles. These children need a place to grow up remembering and not just the ones whos parents can afford to take them to Disneyland. These cops need to go break up big fights now and then. There's construction workers and firemen just waiting for a morning spot for their coffee and breakfast. There are tweakers and convicted felons that may never find employment without a Waffle House. There are truckers and travelers that are passing by interstate exits without the yellow blocks that scream “WAFFLE HOUSE” like a beacon of hope that maybe, just maybe, life ain't so bad. Maybe there will be one place in this strange world that will accept me and treat me the same as everyone else. Waffle House don't give a shit about your temple card and status. There’s no VIP section. There are people in this city that have never heard “I’m Going Back to Waffle House.” There are people here that have never had GRITS. This is heartbreaking. What are you going to tell your grandkids when they grow up and discover that they’ve been deprived of such magic, such love, such culture? Sorry kids we were too racist? That’s what you tell them. You tell them the truth. You can’t claim equality and progressive thinking just because you have cultural diversity on the west side. Especially if you don’t have a Waffle House. I plead with you Mormonland, hear my words. This city is leaning too far away from the rest of the world. We don’t even want to put one on the east side. Keep your weird shit and Brigham Young statue. But, for the love of God and country, give us culture, give us unity, give us freedom, smothered, covered, chunked, and capped, give us real life, real grits and waffles, and please Mormonland Cabal people, just give us a Waffle House in Mormonland. 

“[Waffle House is] an irony-free zone where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts, where everybody regardless of race, creed, color or degree of inebriation is welcome.” 

- Anthony Bourdain